I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
