but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
