Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
soo... how was my night?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
