weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
