I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
