Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
