Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
