Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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