dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Pooping to opera.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
