Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
