I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
