Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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