i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
