Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Shame - the story of my life.
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