Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
