Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
