True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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