I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
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After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
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40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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