Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
