oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
