Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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