Already got asked if we're dating
if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm so fucking centered right now
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
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Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
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next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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