I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just gift wrapped bread.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
