Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
MIDGETS
????
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
