He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
