Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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