Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
