I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
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He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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