Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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