I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she peed on how many people?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
