I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
