So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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