There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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