Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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