Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
