I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dating After Heartbreak
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.