You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
