So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
