Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
