My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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