Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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