i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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