Tell her she can't have a vagina
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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