sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
