for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
