i barfeds in our rink
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
