So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
