wakey wakey hands off snakey
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
