Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
