My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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