take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
