I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
