my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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